


Tales Calculated to Drive you Batty

by OverMaster



Category: Batman - Fandom
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 19:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverMaster/pseuds/OverMaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short random assorted Batman ficlets from the sick and twisted mind behind "More than Fifty Four Negi and Chisame Threesomes". Contains dangerous amounts of the Joker, crossovers and crack-writing. You were warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Batman and all related elements and characters belong to DC Comics.

All other characters belong to their respective copyright holders.

I make no money at all out of writing or posting this.

Thanks to Darkenning for his help with the 'Twins' segment.

'Nuff said. Oh no, wait, that's Marvel.

* * *

 

TALES CALCULATED TO DRIVE YOU BATTY- PART 1.

* * *

 

**Two Sides to EVERYTHING.**

Joker chuckled and reshuffled the deck. "So, changing the theme, there's something I've always wondered. You are dual at everything, right? Double this, double that, bi-this, bi-that..."

Two-Face scoffed. "Your point?"

The low, evil throaty chuckle came out again. "Soooo... are you of TWO minds about... you know... nudge nudge, wink wink?"

Two-Face merely stared at Joker, frowning.

But the clown was unfazed. "You know... Do you play at both sides of the fence? You'd have to! You can't be dual at everything if you aren't, well, dual about everything!"

Two-Face thought it over, then flipped a coin, catching it before Joker could see the result.

Dent looked at the coin in his hand firmly held in his palm, the fingers shielding it like a most valued treasure. "No, I'm not like that."

Joker scowled. "Are you lying to me because the coin told ya so?"

Two-Face flipped the coin again, once more catching it before Joker can see the result.

Two-Face once more looked at the coin in his hand. "No, I'm not lying."

"..." Joker said.

"Why the question?" Dent snarked. "Are you interested?"

Mockingly, the buffoon snickered and began to shuffle the cards. "Not today. I have a headache. Heh, and they say you don't have a sense of humor..."

* * *

 

**Tsundere**

 

As the punch sent Joker flying over the rooftop's edge and down into what surely would be a fatal nosedive into the pavement forty stories below, he only could think of one thing.

_Shit._

Not exactly the most genial last thought for a criminal genius, but understandable under the circumstances.

And then a hook and line of steel cable wrapped themselves around his right leg, stopping his fall mid-way.

Exhaling a sigh of relief, he looked up to watch his rescuer. He could have sworn there was a faint hint of blush in the exposed area of the cowled face.

"S-Stupid Joker! I'm, I'm not doing this because I like you or anything! It's only out of pure pity!"

It might have been cute if it had been Batgirl saying it.

* * *

 

**Twins**

"—so I'm afraid the lab tests are conclusive, " Doctor Chilton said, very seriously, as the two men sitting before him only stared on mutely. "Yes, indeed. You both are actually the results of an experiment on human fertility decades ago. Your real, common mother was impregnated with twins, but after the test was deemed a failure, the unscrupulous doctor in charge told her the twins were dead, and took them... I mean, you, to be sold to two families who couldn't have children: the Fries and the Cobblepots."

"What?" the Penguin said.

"What?" Mr. Freeze echoed, in a more subdued tone.

Then the Penguin snapped, furiously pointing a flipper at the much taller armored man. "I'm NOT, under ANY circumstances, sharing any part of the Cobblepot fortune with HIM!"

One of the nearby Arkham guards hummed. "You know, this reminds me of that movie with Schwarzenegger and Danny De Vito..."

"De Vito...?" Penguin shot him an annoyed glare.

"... Schwarzenegger...?" Freeze's eternally icy and emotionless behavior betrayed the slightest hints of heavy offense.

The guard nodded. "Yeah, haven't you ever watched it? Those two guys were so totally different, but they had the same tics and gimmicks, and well, you both gravitate towards cold, don't you? And in the end, they grew to completely love each other, becoming a real family and—"

Proving they were, as a matter of fact, related, Freeze and Penguin jumped over the other guards and started strangling the talkative one at the same time.

* * *

 

**Neon Genesis Evangelijokes.**

Gendo Ikari drew his pistol out as he ran through the deserted halls of the Geofront, gritting his teeth, expecting for the worst at each turn. He still could not understand it. He still was useful to SEELE, why had they turned against him right now? So soon?

And why this modus operandi? Why, ever since that alarm rang all through the complex less than ten minutes ago, had he run into so many grinning warm bodies everywhere, amidst the thin mist of green hues coming out of everywhere? Why not to use the JSSDF instead? Just to hide their official involvement, making it to look like a strange terrorist attack, perhaps?

He gripped the piece of thick cloth tighter against his mouth and nose with his free hand as he ran, still keeping the gun firmly grasped in his other hand. He would not fall as easily as the others, damn it. All he had to do was to reach his office (which was so close now) and the secret hidden exit; as long as he did not run into anyone hostile in his way, and he had not found anyone like that so far, he would be okay.

Still, the distant laughter of the dying was certainly haunting. Curse it all. First, the boy disappeared, and now this. Bad luck never came alone.

Gendo finally reached his door and bolted inside of his office, slamming the door shut close behind himself, breathing heavily. He felt slightly dizzy; maybe some of the poisonous mist had filtered through to his nose and mouth. He had to reach a hospital, safety, and then-

"Hello, Dad" the voice surprised him, and then he saw him, the boy, sitting with a very serious expression behind his desk, with the rest of the office wrapped in darkness. "I'm glad you could make it here with me... for once".

"Shinji?" Gendo blinked, puzzled. "Where... where had you been all of this time? What-" Then it dawned on him, slowly, through his disbelief. "Wait a second. You aren't-"

"Involved with this?" Shinji asked dryly. "Mayyyybe... maybe I gave my safety pass to someone. Maybe. And maybe you had those changed just in case after I left, but maybe, just maybe, I then redirected that someone to Misato's, we took *her* pass instead, and used it to get in here. Or maybe we did something else altogether." He shrugged. "What matters is, I'm with you here now, and you're now with me here, right?" He almost laughed, bitterly.

Gendo did not hesitate in aiming the gun at his son's head. "Little treacherous rat. Why?"

"Why not, Dad?" Shinji did not even flinch. "Why did you leave me? Why did you use me? Why are rubber chickens so funny? Why does Ritsuko have black eyebrows and blond hair? Oh, so many questions, so little time left for answers". He sighed. "Let's just say I found... illumination after my sad, pathetic escape, Dad. I ran into the truth I couldn't see for so long, the fact of my life not being a tragedy as I thought... but a comedy! The joke was on me, right, but I could change that!" He gestured vehemently, very un-Shinji-like, making Gendo to squirm ever so slightly. "HE showed me that! HE gave me the light! HE made me to realize the divine gift I was blessed with! The gift of-".

"... madness..." Gendo mumbled, narrowing his eyes venomously, pressing his finger tighter against the trigger.

"Why, yes, Dad" Shinji nodded, satisfied. "Madness. My birthright. My dark blessing, the thing that makes me King Fuckedof of all Fuckedofdom!" The boy opened his arms, and laughed shakily. "I'm special at last, Dad! I'm happy at last now, embracing my dementia, giving myself to the tide inside my head, unlike you, unlike Asuka, unlike Misato and Rei... I stopped pretending chasing the impossibility of sanity, dear Daddy-O!" He twirled a finger around, chuckling. "And of course, we just HAD to show it to you! You should be proud, like all fathers are when their sons surpass them... and I just surpassed your evil by far, far, far..."

"And you set this in motion?" Gendo barked angrily. "Just so you could satisfy your petty whims of a dejected crybaby? Do you have any idea of what you just ruined, for all of us? Why, I should-".

"I'm. No. Crybaby. Anymore, Ikari Gendo," Shinji hissed with sudden, burning hate, standing up. "I'm the Angel of Death you wished you were, I'm more than you'll ever be. Oh, of course, I had no idea of the true extent of your plans. Poor silly me!" he chuckled crazily. "But lately, my new Dad has been uncovering some things with my help... you are such a bad, naughty man, Gendo... Tch, tch! You disappointed even my lowest expectations! A shame that, even so, you aren't even half the glorious monster my new Dad is...".

"What are you talking about?" he demanded. Just shoot him, kill the little bastard already, a little voice rang inside his head, but somehow, he could not do it. Maybe because he NEEDED to learn more. "Who put all of that shit in your head? Who-"

Then, a shot was heard, and Gendo fell forward, with a close bullet pierced through his right shoulder, making him to gasp. He stumbled down to his hands and knees, and turned his head around to see Ritsuko behind him, her face chalk white, her mouth distorted in a horrible grin, staring down at him.

"Doctor Akagi also has agreed to... help us, as a fellow victim of your ambition, Dad," Shinji explained calmly, smiling at him in a peaceful, pleased way. "She has been a great source of help, even allowing us to reprogram MAGI and breach through all your security systems. And honestly, doesn't she look much happier, much chipper, now? Oh, and you should see Asuka, too... It's a real scream, I assure you..."

"Bastard..." Gendo aimed his gun up at him, only to have it whacked away from his hand by a cane coming out of the darkness, and then a black and white shoe kicked him back down in a temple.

"It's needed a bastard to recognize another," another male voice happily cooed, and Gendo saw a tall thin man with green hair, wearing purple, extremely pale, stepping out of the shadows with a young woman in a harlequin costume. The man was playing around with a small special container holding Adam's embryo, twirling it between his hands like a Rubik's cube. "Why, hello there, Genny-Boy," he cheerily said. "What an interesting conversation piece did you have in here! And all those naked girlies in that tank! Oh, you playah, you..." He laughed, and his laughter echoed through the office like howlings from Hell. "It's gonna be a real blast to have a long funny talk with you!".

"I found a new Dad, a new Mom, Ikari-san," Shinji continued saying, placid, as peaceful as the quietest sea, smiling warmly from ear to ear. "You don't have to worry about me anymore, not that you ever did. And don't worry about your job either, we'll give it a far better use. Just relax and let yourself go... and we'll do the rest..."

Gendo tried to pick the gun again and shoot himself instead before they got him, but Shinji was quicker and kicked the gun out of his reach.

* * *

 

**(Not) More than Fifty Four Joker and Harley Threesomes. Yet.**

It was a warm and bright morning at the greenhouse, just like she liked it. The redhead woman quietly hummed a tune to herself while she buttered her bread, then smiled at her blond housemate coming out of the bathroom wrapped in a wet towel, drying her hair with another one.

"Why, good morning, Harl" the redhead looked at her. "You overslept today, you know. We decided you looked too cute there drooling while you slept, though, so we let you rest for a while more."

"Hee. Sorry" Harley excused herself poking the point of her tongue out a bit, and shrugging her shoulders cutely. "I was too tired, I guess. Where's he now, anyway?" She looked all around.

"Attending to my babies," Ivy pointed for the direction of the building's main room. "He should be coming back at any moment now".

"Oh, I see" Harl sat down in front of her, taking a piece of bread for herself while her friend ate. "Ahh, these last few weeks have been so wonderful..." she sighed dreamily, with a goofy grin, rolling her blue eyes back. "I feel like I'm living in a dream, Red. Seriously. This is like the family I always wished I had... Just us, in a happy warm place of our own..."

"Uh-huh. Sure," Ivy barely nodded, looking at the newspaper unfolded in front of her between munches.

"See? I told ya ya'd like it. Puddin's not so bad when you get to know him well..."

"... and when he gets to know what are you able of as well, anyway," Ivy allowed herself to chuckle a bit.

Harley frowned. "Well, yeah, I admit some... work was needed to make it work..." she sighed, then brightened again. "But aren't you happy you did it now? I mean, there are definitive pluses to have him around, after all!".

"Well, yes, he actually can be useful to have on your side in a clash with the Bat..." Ivy mumbled.

"That, and he's not bad at the sack, huh?" Harl chuckled roguishly, elbowing her slightly in the ribs.

"Really, no, he isn't," Pam had to confess with an evil slight grin. "Better than I expected, anyway. Still, he isn't as good as yo-".

"Pamela?" he then peeked inside of the room, talking in a somewhat spaced out tone. "I finished watering your flowers already".

"Oh, that's great, Jay," the redhead smiled up at him. "Thank you. Now, can you be a dearie and go feed Venus, please?" She gestured towards a nearby bucket full with fresh raw meat.

"Okay, but you do it next time," he nodded while absently picking the bucket up and walking with it towards the giant mutated flytrap at the other side of the room.

"Ah, I'm sure we can talk about that later," Ivy said before sipping on her new recipe of green tea. "Mmmm, tasty. Once again, we get a better life... through **Chemistry,** " she pondered.

* * *

 

**TO BE CONTINUED…?**


	2. The Dark Knight and Pals Return

Batman and all related elements and characters belong to DC Comics.

All other characters belong to their respective copyright holders.

I make no money at all out of writing or posting this. Wish I could, but I can't and don't!

'Nuff said. Oh no, wait, that's Marvel.

Hnh.

* * *

TALES CALCULATED TO DRIVE YOU BATTY- ROUND 2.

* * *

**Birthday Gifts**.

It was clear the package had been delivered by the Joker. The date. The purple and green wrapping. The note with the smiley attached to it. The fact it had been left on the hall of the core Gotham Lexcorp building, despite the airtight security.

Just like every other year, most of the security staff had been given the pink slip, and horrible things that could not be blamed on anyone would probably keep happening to them for months. But that was inconsequential for Lex Luthor now as he listened to the chief of his anti-explosives service.

"Well, Mr. Luthor, " the man was clearly uncomfortable for some reason, "the good news are the package was... completely safe. We found no detonators, toxins, traps or viruses. We performed every test on it, and it and its contents were—"

"I see, " Luthor interrupted crisply. "And what were its contents?"

"Well-" the man doubted.

"What were its contents?" Luthor repeated himself. Anyone working for him knew it was unwise making him repeat himself twice. So, sheepishly, his employee held a purple and green comb.

Luthor still took his frustration out on him.

* * *

**Pac-Man Begins**.

He tightened his fists, gloved in stark white. "Ghosts are a cowardly and superstitious lot. That's why they only venture out in the darkness of the night, and only through narrow labyrinthic corridors. They fear the sun, so I'll become what they fear the most, a bright yellow circle. Yes, father. Yes, mother. I'll become... a Pac-Man!"

Then he swallowed another pill for good measure. If drugs had done it for Captain America and Dr. Midnight, they'd also do it for him, damn it!

* * *

**Top Ten Bat-Vehicles Lucius Fox Refused to Back Up.**

10- Bat-Pogo Stick.

9- Bat-Jet Powered Roller Skates.

8- Bat-Ice Cream Truck.

7- Bat-Unicycle.

6- Bat-Arrowmobile ("Seriously, Bruce, you have to let go on that competition...")

5- Bat-Motor Propelled Surfboard.

4- Bat-Flying Cardboard Box.

3- Robin Carriage ("You have started picking them far too young, Bruce...")

2- Bat-Pinto ("It'll explode at the slightest bump, Bruce!")

1- Bat-Akiomobile ("I'm glad you finally admitted you need releasing some sexual tension, Bruce, but _this_...!")

* * *

**Final Riddle**.

Batman woke up to find himself looking at a small note pinned on top of him, right above his face.

It read, _What is the only thing that can take you to Infinity, by taking you underground?_

A coffin, of course.

Damn Nygma.

* * *

**It's Super-Effective!**

Joker cleared his throat and began solemnly for the assembled Yaoi-Con crowd, "So, Jack Sparrow, Edward Cullen, Legolas, Wolverine, Inu Yasha, Naruto, Harry Potter and Edward Elric all walk into a gay bar..."

_Later:_

"And you say they didn't die of laughter?"

"No, Commissioner Gordon. Massive blood loss through their noses."

* * *

**Animal House.**

The Batman arched an eyebrow under the mask. Clark could tell, because he heard the eyebrow rising.

"Superdog?"

Krypto wagged his tail.

"Supercat?" Bruce's tone grew colder.

Streaky yawned and curled himself further into a ball, trying to get a better sleep.

"Supermonkey?" Bruce sounded about to hurl.

Beppo nodded, as if understanding, and scratched himself in an armpit.

"Superhorse, " Bruce finally sighed.

"Well, yes. Kara usually looks after him, but since she started college, well..." Clark mused.

Batman looked at him. "How can you live with yourself?"

Clark's mouth moved slightly aside. "Bat-Hound, remember?"

"That was Dick's idea, and he still was a child back then...!"

* * *

**Extreme Measures.**

"And so, as the new Major of Gotham City, " the elder man said with a strong, commanding voice, "I will enforce the decisive measures I promised to hold the criminal wave sweeping through our city at bay. I know we all have had enough of so-called super-criminals using strategically placed sites to hide all across the city, so from now, the following kinds of businesses and establishments are forbidden within the Gotham urban area."

He began reading from a very, very long list.

"Comedy clubs, amusement parks, flower shops, botanical gardens, hothouses, bird shops, hat shops, ice cream parlors, freezing warehouses, ice skating rings, any shops selling puzzles, any locals with 'Second' in their names, ventriloquism schools, aquariums, cat shelters, the Museum of Egyptian Culture, the Museum of Greek Culture, any movie theater where they have played Basil Karlo movies, clay craftmanship stores, bookstores, music stores, circuses, haunted houses—"

The good news were the crime rate plummeted in a 50% in six months. The bad news were the local economy hit such a slump, everyone began moving out with the super villains...

* * *

**Looney**.

"Harvey Season!" Dent pointed at his own right side.

"No! Two-Face Season!" Dent pointed at his left side.

"Harvey Season!" He pointed at the right side again.

"Two-Face Season!" He roared, poking a finger agressively on his scarred left cheek.

"Harvey Season!" He repeated, right before Batman punched him right between the eyes.

The Dark Knight grumbled while dragging the tied up villain out of the warehouse. "Joker's being a _really_ bad influence on them.."


End file.
